I’ve spent years thinking about how people change—and whether they really change at all. I have found that most of us, even when we think we’re changing, keep doing the same thing we always did; sometimes louder, sometimes softer, sometimes gentler—but pretty much the same.
Years ago I heard an example of core change that I’ve tried to bring into couple therapy. I was in the Grand Tetons lodge listening to a ranger talk. The ranger, a Native American from that area, told the story of how his tribe tried to change the way they got the golden eagle feathers they used in ceremonies. At a certain point, they did not want to kill the eagle to get the feathers. They tried trapping the eagle n the morning, in the evening, with a net, but it never worked. They weren’t fast enough and the eagle flew off before they could get near.
One day, after months of frustration, they watched the eagle catch a rabbit and eat it. On that full tummy, they realized, the eagle could not fly. They trapped the eagle, took the feathers, and let the bird go. From then on, they simply left a full meal for the eagle, and they took the feathers they needed for ceremonies without killing the bird.
The way to apply the concept of core change to your relationship is this: Put an end to criticism. Try for a month to tell your partner what you want more of, instead of what you want less of. Like saying, “I want more time with you where we feel close” instead of “I don’t want you to come home late.” (You can’t say, “I want more of you not coming home late”)
You’d be surprised at the potential for change when your partner doesn’t feel criticized or like he/she is a constant disappointment. If you can do it for a month, the relationship may soften significantly. You may be dancing with eagle feathers on your heads.
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